Tuesday, January 27, 2015

I'm not ready to get married

It is 136 days until Linda and I are wed. Actually, by this time on the 136th day, the ceremony will have already taken place. I realized today that I'm so not ready for this.

I apologize in advance for the clickbait title, but I couldn't help myself. Let me explain.

Many years ago I was in the wedding of a friend and I remember when his bride walked through the door, he saw her and got emotional immediately. This is someone that's not quick to show emotion.

Late last year I was in another wedding and the same thing happened. This time it was from someone that is a little quicker to show emotion in general.

Today I was on the phone with my mother and we were talking wedding logistics and the topic of the rehearsal came up. I hadn't given it much thought until now. It's just the rehearsal, not the wedding. Who cares, right? I was so wrong. I started to picture it.

I told my mom that I don't even want to do the rehearsal. I know I have to because I need to know where to stand and she needs to know which aisle is the middle and we need to practice saying "i do." And then we get the super fun rehearsal dinner where I get to spend time with all the travelers in an intimate setting not afforded us by a 200 person wedding. So all in all it's good.

Here's the real thing for me that I didn't know existed until today. I'm not ready for any of it. When I spoke to my mom today about the rehearsal itself, for the first time I envisioned what happens. It was always some nebulous event, but today it was real. And for the very first time, I picture my bride-to-be walking up the aisle to meet me, if even in practice. The thought was more than I could handle.

And at 2pm on a regular chilly January Tuesday I stood in my living room, talking to my mom with tears streaming down my face at the mere imagined situation of the practice for the wedding. Maybe the rehearsal is in place to help me inure myself to the sight of my bride arriving to pledge her life to me, but I doubt it'll work.

No matter how you slice it, I will be a wreck on the day of my wedding. When the doors open and she walks in, it's all over for me. No matter how much I prepare, the emotions will win. So, again, I apologize for the title that baited you here. I'm ready to be married. I'm just not even remotely close to being emotionally ready to get married.